DANI DREAMS

I have such a complicated relationship with school.

 I still vividly remember the day I finished my last final on my last day of high school. I had been taking my classes online the past two years, and it had been so tedious. The second after I clicked submit on my final paper for AP English, I logged into my Livejournal and adamantly declared that I was done with school forever and that I was never ever going to put myself through that ever again. 

A lot of my early college and uni attempts were done purely because it felt like that’s what I was expected to do. I had no job, I didn’t have friends I saw regularly, I had pretty severe anxiety that made it hard for me to do anything else… it seemed like the only “good” choice. My heart was not in it, though. Sure, my art classes were pretty fun, but it felt too forced, and eventually, that feeling would weigh on me so hard that I would quit. I dropped and re-started like five different times at four different schools. My personal record for shortest college stint was in the summer of 2016; I registered, got my ID and materials and junk, then dipped the fuck out less than a week after starting my classes. 

Things got so much better in 2017, though. I focused hard on my mental health and it really changed everything. I felt so good, I decided to give school a try again. I took a few college classes that fall and I thrived. It was crazy how good I could be at school when I was at my full potential. I got straight As for the first time ever that semester, and then again the semester after that. I still have the letter from school saying I got on the Dean’s List. What a baffling, wonderful thing that was.

After a year of kicking ass at community college, I decided to re-enroll in the art university that I had attended for a while when I was nineteen, because I really felt I could do it this time. They took me back with open arms and I felt well on my way to getting that sweet, sweet bachelor’s degree.  

Life never goes the way you plan, though. 2019 has been one of the toughest years I’ve been through, and that excitement I felt for school has been fading.

I failed my first class ever this summer. It felt a little surreal. The only thing that was stopping me from giving in to my old habit of dropping classes was the financial aid I get from being a full-time student. According to the “progress” section of my school profile, I am just barely past the halfway point of my schooling. It definitely feels like I’m past the point of no return. 

I had a really bad day a couple of months ago. I was about ready to throw in the towel, consequences be damned. But, in an effort to be an adult, I took a step back and tried to be reasonable (as reasonable as my dramatic little ass can be). I made a deal with myself: I can only drop out if I’m in a really good place in my life.

 This promise to myself seems kind of ridiculous, but it truly has kept me going. Not just with school, but with… everything, I guess. If I’m having a bad school day, I don’t get upset like I used to. I just leave it, and try again the next day. On days when I get crazy anxiety about grades and debt and wasting my time, it’s a little easier for me to let it go for the moment and do something for myself. Because I’m not in the greatest place in life right now, not by a long shot, and even if my only motivation to improve my life was so I can finally drop out of university… well, it would still improve my life, right? 

I know I’m not conventional in anything I do in my life, and sometimes it frustrates the crap out of me, but you know what? School is not everything. Good grades and a degree don’t define someone as a person. Higher education is useful, I know, which is why I’ve been trying so hard at it. But after what feels like a lifetime of school with little to show for it, I’ve come to realize that I’ve tied my own self-worth onto this kind of success. I have to remember to break myself from that whenever those thoughts and habits pop up.

This post went on way longer than I intended, but I think I needed it to get all my thoughts out. When it comes down to it, I’m still trying my hardest and I’m not likely to quit any time soon, but I really need to relax and remind myself that school is just school. I swear, though, after this, I’m never ever going back to school again, ever.